After my previous post “I look to you”, I realised that I wasn’t as happy as I thought I was. I was scared that I’d didn’t even know what made me happy and that maybe somewhere deep down my mind was fiercely trying to retaliate on my rational and heart protecting feelings.
On Monday last week I let it all out, all those feelings. It was like I allowed one half of my mind to shut down and the other half out to play. This was all at a great risk of course. Then again, how much more hurt could I feel without any of the great stuff? I was just giving up the great stuff for pain so I never really won.
Anyway, that perfume…yeah I ordered it and I wear it most days now. I also reached out to the one person who made me feel like I was really living the reckless life I wanted to live at this age. I reached out and there they were, with arms live spindle fibres ready to reconnect to me as if we were destined DNA. I’m not sure I could class it as a relief because it felt more like coming home. Their smell, their voice, the look in their eyes was all something I had missed in my fibres and there they were, ready for me, accepting me back.
I did a lot of rubbish things too. I hurt them, I deserted them when things got hard and complicated. I was the one with all of these uncontrollable feelings and it was never really their fault for changing things because I had no right over them. They lied, they hid things too and they were deceitful. It’s been over a year and that connection is still there. I need to be happy and I want to feel peace.
The final hug on my departure told me that we still were meant to be close. The whispers of “I miss you” and “I’m sorry” floating around my ears still, I finally feel a bit of peace.