A Life that’s good

At the end of the day, Lord, I pray I have a life that’s good.

I am half Mauritian by background, and I have always been so proud of that. People always asked “what are you mixed with?” and came up with suggestions like Spanish or Italian based on my look and name I suppose. I was always so happy to reply “my dad is from Mauritius”, knowing that it will surprise them for a second before they enquired where Mauritius actually was.

For a time I didn’t even know where Mauritius was, or what it even looked like. My dad arrived in the UK by boat at the juvenile age of 16 with his brother and his father. The rest of his family had to stay back in Mauritius so that my father, uncle and grandfather could earn enough money to pay for the journey of their family across the sea.

I don’t know much about the life my dad lived before he met my mum. My mum was only 22 at the time and she has spent most of her life with him. She’s the talker, she’s the one who would tell the stories, but my dad, I suppose I never really asked about his life before my mum and us. I regret not knowing, because I believe he has had an extraordinary life.

I hear the stories from my aunts and uncles, even my eldest cousins who knew my dad before my mum did. They speak of someone who doesn’t quite fit the personality or the profile of my dad. I didn’t think so until now, when I can reflect back on my time with him and see what a wonderful man he is.

My family would talk of fierce protection, intellect, strive, boxing and university. I saw my dad as some of those but didn’t really feel that he embodied the love that was typical of a father. Now I know that the love was there the whole time, he just showed it in a different way.

My Dad finds it difficult to say things how they are I think. It’s like he’s thinking about it and wondering whether to reply, make it a learning opportunity or challenge. It would always bother me and I would end up flustering in out loud conversation when he was sharing all his thoughts in his head, keeping quiet.

So he didn’t speak a whole lot. I remember him teaching and offering solutions. I remember him on his laptop all the time faffing over taxes and isas and spreadsheets full of information that only made sense to him. Most of the time I left him to it, I was a kid, a teenager.

He gave us everything though, after he gave his first family everything. What did he do for himself? I don’t believe he did anything for himself but provide the best possible life for the rest of us, and what a beautiful person to do that.

He never asked for anything, my dad. He has asked for help in the last few years and resentfully we have kept him going but I can’t say I have ever done something to make him really happy. I feel so bad about this. I need the opportunity now to do so but he lays in a hospital bed 40 minutes away and unable to have visitors. A lot of my day, I don’t think about him at all, when he deserves to be the thing I think about all the time.

I am so proud to be his daughter, and I am so proud of being a part of his extraordinary life and story. A lot of people won’t care because they don’t know him and that’s fair enough. I don’t mind that, because he is mine. I won’t go on to share his whole story on here, because it would go on forever, he is that special. He started in Mauritius and is now here in the UK. Does he wish he was back there or does he call us and this “home”? Lord, I pray I have a life that’s good, a life that is as wonderful as his, but keep me humble and selfless just like my father.

My darling niece

My darling niece.

She looks up at me with pondering blue eyes.

Confused and comfortable in one look.

“Her face is sort of right, but its not mummy” she thinks.

So there she goes, concerned,

Her face scrunching and then softening like she’s making up her mind.

A soft voice reaches out to her from my mouth.

“Relax”, she reassures herself, it’s just my auntie,

“Does she know what to do?

I’ve seen her swinging around my brother and carrying him over her shoulders,

My head must be held and my body kept warm, I don’t think she will do that to me”

My darling niece,

I know how to love you, I know how to protect you. I will always do both.

So watch my hazel eyes follow yours about. Feel my chest rising as I keep you warm and feel my arms underneath you, ready so you will never fall.

Though you’d rather be in your mothers arms, I hope one day you’ll find solace in mine too.

Turmeric Tea

Turmeric tea.

It’s time for me to turn around,

Turn around and see

Turn around and be

Someone different or someone changed.

Make believe

Show me a way

to take it all away

Away so that I can be someone else

A different personality

Hold on

Is this what you want?

To love yourself as someone else

Rather than who you are and not who you want to be?

But isn’t who I want to be who I am,

And this isn’t just a fantasy,

Because I am me.

A Slip

Upon this mountain it gets lonely.

But with the strong winds and wide green scape, it is just were i need to be.

With no one around me, no thoughts other than my own,

Enough to fill this mountain and spread over the rugged hills.

Though my head Is empty and I don’t know where to start.

What comes out more prominently than the rest and why does it feel like a nightmare?

To see past all the chaos, to trigger the loneliness that I should feel alone on this mountain top,

To feel the sadness and loss when all I see is the hate and peaceful solitude.

If I jump, will I take flight to heaven? Or will I fall hopelessly to hell?

Finding Peace

After my previous post “I look to you”, I realised that I wasn’t as happy as I thought I was. I was scared that I’d didn’t even know what made me happy and that maybe somewhere deep down my mind was fiercely trying to retaliate on my rational and heart protecting feelings.

On Monday last week I let it all out, all those feelings. It was like I allowed one half of my mind to shut down and the other half out to play. This was all at a great risk of course. Then again, how much more hurt could I feel without any of the great stuff? I was just giving up the great stuff for pain so I never really won.

Anyway, that perfume…yeah I ordered it and I wear it most days now. I also reached out to the one person who made me feel like I was really living the reckless life I wanted to live at this age. I reached out and there they were, with arms like spindle fibres ready to reconnect to me as if we were destined DNA. I’m not sure I could class it as a relief because it felt more like coming home. Their smell, their voice, the look in their eyes was all something I had missed in my fibres and there they were, ready for me, accepting me back.

I did a lot of rubbish things too. I hurt them, I deserted them when things got hard and complicated. I was the one with all of these uncontrollable feelings and it was never really their fault for changing things because I had no right over them. They lied, they hid things too and they were deceitful. It’s been over a year and that connection is still there. I need to be happy and I want to feel peace.

The final hug on my departure told me that we still were meant to be close. The whispers of “I miss you” and “I’m sorry” floating around my ears still, I finally feel a bit of peace.

Apologies for Yesterday

Would you give me a moment to say that I’m sorry

for yesterday’s sadness and the night that was lonely.

Would you give me a moment to explain what I can

of the uncertainty I feel and then hope you understand.

Apologies for yesterday, I think I’ll get better

Soon I’ll move past this and soon I’ll forget her.

Could the days feel any longer as the hours drag by,

Or the absence of light as the day feels like nigh.

Could the winter feel warmer than this icy wind that blows,

will the summer come sooner bringing me peace, who knows?

Apologies for yesterday I think I’ll get better

Soon I’ll move past this and soon I’ll forget her.

Who could say it gets better when the sun starts appearing,

or will this feeling still be with me each morning and evening?

Who can tell if the change in the birds time of song

will make up for all the things that I feel are so wrong.

Apologies for yesterday, I think I’ll get better

Soon I’ll move past this and soon I’ll forget her.

Pease give me a moment to work out what I’m feeling,

sometimes it’s all clear and other times it’s confusing.

Would you give me a moment to work out what I can do

so I don’t have to live out again all the pain that I went through.

Apologies for yesterday, one day I’ll be better

I’m trying to move past this and I’m trying to forget her…

I Look to You

For a second you were here. For a second that beautiful smell of that perfume wasn’t the brunette sitting opposite me in a beanie hat, it was you, next to me, dressed up on our way into London for a night out.

God that smell, I miss it so much.

I close my eyes and you’re here, you’re surrounding me with every memory we ever shared together. You’re surrounding me with every feeling I ever felt for you and are making me want to run back to you.

I never thought a sense could trigger so much, I never thought it would make me want to see you again but it does.

Time has passed but that feeling, that adoration I felt, that love that I felt, will be eternal. I can’t begin to explain how much I want to see you in this moment, how much I want to hug you and laugh with you…you were my best friend, and my soulmate.

All the same

These days are far away from the last time that we met,

I rushed to meet you with my bad jeans on, a jumper and hair still wet.

It wasn’t the same, and it was like that for a while,

but I always miss your face, your eyes and your smile.

At that point then our worlds had turned so very fast,

now there is no time to reflect on our beautiful toxic past.

So long I slumbered with my heart so broken,

after coming to you with it once so open.

These days I pretend I don’t care when I hear your name

though my heart breaks again, I love you all the same and

I can’t help but feel broken by what you said, what you did,

Now I’m here all alone and you now have a kid.

the dreams that we shared, I thought would last forever,

but now I am on a path of my own solo endeavour.

I’m scared of trying to come back into your life again

when I could just run away, live without you and pretend

that I still care about every laugh that you make,

Is it worth it, is it a risk I can take?

Parts of you still remain so close to me,

You’re still a soulmate, this can you see?

Behind the mask

Behind the mask I am just a girl. With the mask on I am heralded a “hero” and “amazing person”, yet I don’t feel like it at all.

I don’t need claps or praise or for everyone to tell me how good a job I am doing, or how “it must be really hard but be strong”.

After months and months of this, after months of working so hard, crying after every shift, being separated from family and friends, I want to be done. I’m not sure I can do this anymore.

My last post was a brief highlight of my life as a nurse in the NHS in London, England. Like many places across the world we are in a fight and we are pushing ourselves to physical and mental limits. I am not aged yet, but I feel a hundred years old. My hair is going greyer by the days, my face is wrinkled and dried up, my energy is barely replenished by sleep and I have pains all over. I am one of the “capable” professionals, but I am not a hero.

We see a patient, we try our best and we move on to the next. Then back to the other, make the rounds again, answer the crash bells, turn the patients, check the ventilators, do the meds, check the tubing, change that drain, transfuse that blood, discuss with doctors, try and call family.

Then have a break.

I love the job, it is an amazing place to be. However, like anything, there is only so far I can go. There is only so much my head can take. I won’t forget to breathe when this is all over, but I don’t know what might happen when I finally do.

I Recognise your eyes

Tell me what is your name because I’d really like to know,

I want to hear it from your mouth and then I’ll need to go,

Onto someone anew to gaze upon, to help, to fix, to hold,

Never I have I seen what I have seen, this is the truth be told.

Your eyes are closed but your chest still rising,

Like each morning breathing with the sun still shining,

Your hair grows longer and your nails need cutting,

But this is only the beginning and my day’s just starting,

The days we tried our best not to let the fear show,

We worked tirelessly with hope that we wouldn’t let you go,

But off you went, sometimes a dozen in a day,

And all you heard were our comforting words that it was going to be ok,

Us strangers you saw as it came to the end,

No difficulties we allowed, and to heaven we sent,

More lives than I’d ever want to see in a lifetime,

If it happened to us, would we still wait in line?

Heavens gates are now crowded with more hundreds to come,

Will it be over soon? Will it be done?

I pray to the world, every force to exist,

That this disease that infects us will fall into the abyss.

We are paying the price for a world so selfish,

So please give us a chance, please try to help us.

Many of us see, and now we will act,

To make this world a better place and keep it

intact.

Give us the relief of all those who are dying,

We will look at our lives differently and I will start trying.