A Tribute to Normal People

On a clouded day in the month of May, I walk over to your house

The white front and huge pillars can’t cast a shadow over you, and I move closer than allowed

Your dark brown eyes and yellow jumper like the sun, makes me think I should look away

But all I want is to stare longer at your face, for this feeling won’t go astray

Your nervous smile makes me wonder, where your obnoxious confidence fades

From who you were there and who you are now as soon as I say your name

My Marianne, my silent lamb, how I’m thinking of you so

My head can be so complicated and my feelings, I cannot show

And after all, we are just normal people, and I don’t think I’m better than the rest

The fact that you do love me though, it makes me feel so blessed.

A few years gone and then I see your light like a blinding supernova

Im standing in the courtyard here pretending not to know you

And in a sudden you tell them you know me from a short while ago

Your new love and friends a dozen, all following you in tow

They see you now, much more than before and I’m not amazed you’re loved

For I love you still and the love I had, could never be undone

The understanding that we shared that time can never be denied

the love we created and time that we spent only made me feel more alive

So thank you for seeing me, just as I want to see you

Let’s go spend this time together,

I want to be with you, my mind and soul

And run in every endeavour.

Uncertainty.

The world works in ways that even the brightest scholars don’t understand, nor in ways that even ghosts can see. Let’s indulge in the idea of blissful ness, because as humans we are so blissfully ignorant to a world that we claim to know. 

We claim to know that when light and water hit the leaves on a tree, the tree will grow. Or that if gravity didn’t exist our world would be upside down. We probably claim to know exactly what love is, but who defines that? We talk and write and sing and demonstrate this feeling of “love” but are blissfully unaware of its boundaries. Why does it have to be contained? And why does it have to be specified to single things? Scholars and scientists alike spend their lives on theories trying to prove that we are a powerful and evolving species. They tell us that our brains are incredibly powerful but place taboos on ideas that our brains feel, like extensive love. 

Extensive love does not mean you love anyone or anything less. It means that you have the ability to love a little bit more than anyone else and you are ok with that deep down. Extensive love is looking for connection with people, something engrained deep in our human nature. Some people are more athletic, some are more creative, but some of us-we are just inclined to have an intimacy with people that others aren’t able to. 

Think about how amazing that makes our brains? Think about all these amazing feelings that we can have connecting to people, that other people can’t manage! We are the lucky ones, even if it feels like it’ll be the end of us.

So enjoy looking at the flowers and watching the leaves. The sound of the faint music and people chattering. You are able to do all of these things at will. You are able to control what you see, what you smell, what you hear, and if that means you can’t control what you feel, then that’s that. People won’t understand it, even your closest friends. Sometimes I feel like the most insane person on earth the way I think about some people, what I want to say to them and how I want to give my affection. That, I have to control because they don’t understand and see it as overbearing or abnormal. 

People are afraid of what they don’t understand. If you understand you by accepting you, then you won’t be so afraid. Maybe. 

The Mountain Top

The dense water wrapped in around both sides. To the north, the water was a deep dark blue, black in the centre posing what could have been some of the darkest species of the oceans. To the south, high banks, shallow sands and clear water navigated into pools embellishing the landscape with golden hues.

She sat watching, at the top of the mountain in a completely cliched way. She just watched, the movement of the waves, the imprints they left on the white sand and the way it sat brooding like she herself was doing. She wasn’t a typically lost woman, she just lacked finding true meaning sometimes and this left her feeling uncertain. People said coming to the ocean makes things seem clearer, and it did…it just didn’t tell you how to act upon them once they finally revealed themselves. The grass was long and the ground healthy with moisture from the clean air. Perhaps it was that, perhaps it was the air that makes you think better, however it wasn’t exactly helpful that this mountain top was in fact a fictional scene in her head, which was currently in a big city where dreams don’t come try and realities are just realities and nothing more. “You wake up and you do”…”do what?” She thought, as she flicked impatiently from dream to reality. “Carry on in a life where I don’t feel like i fit?, or leave the only life I know how to live?”. It wasn’t easy to change, especially when everything else doesn’t accommodate for your dreams and you have to take your single goal and run with it despite the other difficulties it might bring up along he way. She was tired, uncertain and despairing at the thought of her life running away before she actually got to live it and this was the hardest reality. So she went back there, back to her mountain top where she could pretend she had the relief of an unreachable dream.

Goals are hard to attain, sometimes they’re too unrealistic and other times you’re told that you need to reach for the stars. It’s hard to know what a good goal is and what you want to reach. It’s hard to know for certain what it is that you want, I think the majority of it is just settling on an idea and running with it until something draws you back finally. What if I’m never drawn back? Will I go on aimlessly chasing? Or do I just stay here on my own mountain top?

Stars

The sky is full of stars

Opening up the heart 

Like the skies of me open up to those on looking 

In the silent mysterious morning, breathing

With the music playing and the mind wandering 

To the stories told so long ago 

About the future of us all here now 

What is mine? Should I know? 

Is it something now or does the future hold more?

Can I read it in these stars on this familiar walk? 

Leaving us with the trivial notions

Of how to get out future in motion

Never letting go of a world they could hold 

Just have me in this morning for my heart feels cold

Mind in its electrics,  my brain is on fire

Burning questions of life and desire

The time you were mine

I will hold on to that flower

The one you gave me that time 

Because I feel it’s the only thing left

From the time that you were mine.

I still hold on to that feeling 

The one of you holding my hand 

You were holding it so tightly

Like you thought i was going to go 

I let go of everything else

Because it made me too sad 

To think about how it was my fault 

That things ended the way they did 

I will hold on to that star in the sky 

That we found in the dark one night

When you pointed out the brightest one

Named it after me then held me tight.

That star it was so gentle, that star it was so small

But I never thought it’d fade away

For it had seen it all.

I know that star is up there

Still shining in the sky 

and looks upon us fondly

watching our lives go by

“When he shall die,take him and cut him out in little stars, and he will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will be in love with night and pay no worship to the garish sun”

I saw a bright light now I can’t get anything else into my head to create some thoughts. I don’t want to get it out of my head because it’s one of the brightest lights I’ve seen in a while and it’s allowing me to see more that was perhaps hazy before. My heart feels warm and so beautifully whole. I didn’t know that I could make space in my heart for somebody else, as each person or thing feels like they fill it completely each time I think about them. Though once again, there’s this person that has just taken place in there like there was a space for them all along. A person that has taken a bit of my heart and I know won’t be let go.  I feel so much love for her, she’s so beautiful already. She’s perfect and she makes me smile to think about her. This light is so powerful and symbolises beauty and hope, beauty and hope that I believe in with everything I have within me. This light will never blind me for it is a good light. A light that brings out the best in our world: a stunning golden sunset over a turquoise sea; the iridescent pink of a wild lotus flower or the fiery green eyes of the one that you love. ‘When he shall die,take him and cut him out in little stars, and he will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will be in love with night and pay no worship to the garish sun.’

I get attached too easily, too quickly for my own good. Sometimes I think it’s a good thing, a lot of the time I feel like it’s a fault because I’ll only get hurt more in the end. Attachment is interesting, and I don’t know why I do attach so quickly because there is nothing lacking in my life to make me feel like I need connect to lots of people. I just do. I think it’s a good thing and I’m proud of it. I think. Maybe it’s because I connect so quickly that I’m even quicker to see the beauty in someone or something? Or maybe I just do regardless. Sometimes I think it’s weird that I do but I can’t help it. 

Subjects of my affection

I am in love with the world and I don’t know how to cope with it. It is all overwhelming and beautiful at the same time and one despairing minute can lead into a minute of hope and desperate passion. The relief from a page filled with ink is the only escape out of this labyrinth.

You will find my journey of people and the world a familiar one I’m sure, but I will never know if it’s familiar to you so I hope there is some uniqueness that you take from it.